so now that i've been away from new orleans for about two weeks in the bay area california (up and down san francisco and berkeley by myself and with others, i've seen nora in santa cruz and she's alive and well and happy) and i've been inside a house with things just for me, like a shower and a bed with distressingly comfortable pillows and blankets, and i've had all this time to do things like sit in front of a computer and write and read e-mails and the livejournal friends page and books and the newspaper and all the other things that compose the outside world, i've firmly concluded that, no, thank you, i'd rather have some absurdly chaotic place where i can just exist without any old expectations or obligations, i'd much rather not be stuck doing the same old same old same old. i want to be everywhere doing everything at once, too, i want to be stuck to the outside of things and also nestled in the exact center, i want to scream and run around and spook the hell out of people and be serene and observant totally at ease, i have a bunch of places i absolutely can't live without and a ton of people i could be best friends with and a bunch of girls that ought to be my wife, i am stuck basically. i'd feel better if i didn't feel like i was running all over the place to escape this stuck feeling, probably i'd also feel better if i didn't feel like i was failing miserably at everything except running into it over and over and over. i'm really worried about my relationship with my education thus far and its implications for my unavoidable college experience, but i'm also pretty damned excited about getting back into a steady groove of being creative and possibly learning a bunch of hands-on scientific shit and be in school with Interesting Young Folks, if i can elbow my way into that sort of shit. i also want all the things that have vanished and changed and died, but i've been pretty successful at severing myself from that. definitely not completely successful, never that, but, hey, nobody ever wins anything anymore. i'm tired of livejournal, and i hate the internet and computers again. i'm gonna go read faulkner and plan my rise to power, you know, tweak my brain a little bit more, because the good lord knows i haven't fucked profoundly enough with myself in the last however goddamned long it's been.